He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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