he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Do you have feelings for this penis?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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