The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
COCAINE IS GR8
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
