there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
