there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
