FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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