I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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