I just made out with a guy for $7.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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