Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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