i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
