Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
