Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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