Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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