I'm laying in your front yard are you home
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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