Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
