onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
