Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
being pregnant is like rehab
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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