New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
