So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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