You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
