Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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