they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Four minutes until I can fart!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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