But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
