Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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