Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
