when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
