I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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