I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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