i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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