Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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