He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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