At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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