i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
