Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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