Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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