i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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