I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
