OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
