you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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