Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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