How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
