Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
