I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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