And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We need to rekindle our bromance
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
