If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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