Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
