omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
