I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
