yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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