hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
