I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
