I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
