fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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