Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
