I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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