I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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