my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
