come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
