Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
