"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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