Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
