I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
